me and my mama

Long before mother's day this past weekend, I have been going over and over in my head what it means to be a mother. I daydream and imagine what it will look to meet my son - to become a family - to become a mother - to be responsible for life, for a soul. It also has me reflecting on my relationship with my mother. My mom. I have been looking back through a new lens, taking notes. Throughout my childhood - my mom was the good parent, the stable one, the loving one. She was my hero when she left my father for our protection. 

Then I grew up. Part of growing up is looking at things honestly. I have gone to great lengths to live life honest and present. Striving to hold the good and the bad at the same time. Part of growing up is also seeing your parents honestly, flaws and all. I'm sure most go through this, I'm sure my child will go through this. I was forced into this process when my mother made some choices that hurt me greatly. This led to a period of time of no communication while I tried to reconcile the picture of my mother the hero with the hurt she was causing. 

When Marcus died, we hadn't spoke in eight months, but she showed up in NYC the same day. She knew what was needed. I didn't want it then, but she knew we were in this for life. What was not comforting for me then is comforting to me now as I look back (even as I write this). During my period of grieving, she continued to make choices that hurt. In my vulnerable state there wasn't much more I could bear, so begun another season of no communication, even longer than the first. 

As I write this, it brings tears to my eyes, happy tears, because the Lord has been very busy the last two years between me and my mama. He has done great, miraculous work. 

At my first redemption group immersion - an intense gospel application weekend - I was confronted with withholding forgiveness towards my mom. I was floored. Anger rose up within me. I was filled defensive thoughts. She should have... I have been through...  She doesn't deserve... I didn't deserve... I don't have to... I'm not ready...

I remember the exact night I wrestled through this with God. The color of sky, the hugeness of the moon, the feel of the picnic table, the feel of pen on paper, the lightness and freedom of forgiveness. I remember all the details because that night was life changing. When I tried to defend my actions and convict my mom's actions, I was confronted so lovingly with the cross.  The cost of sin committed against me was so great the price was the death of Jesus. The cost of sin I have committed in my life was and is so great the price was the death of Jesus. I was confronted with the truth that I am no better than my mom, we are the same. The Lord had forgiven my sinful heart, had forgiven my mother's sinful heart. We are broken, sinful people that are beloved daughters of our creator. 

Not only have I been given the gift of forgiveness and the gift of repentance, but the Holy Spirit to hold my hand and walk me through every step of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

Reconciliation started as a letter telling her I had forgiven her not because of anything she or I had done but because of Jesus, to a phone call telling her I was adopting. In that phone call, she told me she already had a feeling I was going to adopt. How? Because she is my mom. 

Timidly I walked the steps of reconciliation until one day the gates burst open and I wanted my mom. I wanted her here, so she came. Last summer she stayed with me - a week just her and I. In the adoption process, there have been constant opportunities to depend on her through which new connections of love and trust have formed. She has been a central figure during all the ups and downs of the adoption process. The waiting, the listening to my ramblings, and helping to prepare my home. You should see her with a concrete drill, heart warming. It has been a joyful, sweet time. I have been very grateful to have my mom nearby. 

Is she perfect now? No. Could she still hurt me? Yes. Sometimes that fear creeps in, but part of living in the freedom of forgiveness is being free from worries or fears. The Lord will continue to provide grace and healing in our relationship. I can love her with abandon, without holding back. That is the power of the gospel.