TREES part 2

I continue to find it difficult to express the pain of losing Marcus. It was paralyzing. My heart continuously throbbed in physical pain threatening to leave my body. Dreams were the only time there were no tears, until I awoke and remembered the reality. The shock of reality would start the cycle of another painful, tearful day. It was a storm at sea that I didn't think would ever end. In the waves of grief, I went to the Psalms. I handpicked the ones to read and purposely skipped the happy endings. In there I found words to express my loss and my pain.

“ I am weary with my moaning;

every night I flood my bed with tears;

I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief”

(Psalm 6:6,7)

“O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,

 and by night, but I find no rest”

(Psalm 22:2)

Sometimes I couldn't skip the happy endings. My mind was blown when I read in Psalm 52:

“I am like a green olive tree in the house of God.

I trust in the steadfast love of God

Forever and ever

I will thank you forever,

Because you have done it.

I will wait for your name for it is good,

In the presence of the godly."

I had found joy, comfort, and love knowing I was a tree growing in Marcus’s heart. No matter how steadfast or forever our love felt, no matter how much Marcus wanted to protect me from pain, ultimately he couldn’t. He couldn't protect me from the pain of losing him.

I am a tree growing in the house of the God, I have always been. I can trust in His steadfast, unfailing love. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38,39 ESV)

Death separates me from Marcus’s love, but it can never separate me from God’s love. For this I will thank Him forever. Whatever comes my way on this earth I will overcome because God has me. I have hard days where my heart still aches for Marcus, there will be suffering and difficult times ahead. But I am His and He is mine.