sleep

I’m not sleeping well. I haven’t been for a while now. Though even now I’m telling half-truths, it’s more than not sleeping well. I am fearful at night, heart-pounding fear.

The struggle is something that I have kept secret because I was ashamed. I like to keep up appearances, which I even keep up through this blog, that I am a strong, fearless woman. Luckily, the Lord brings darkness to light and I have been able to share my fears with my community and now with you.

I am afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of what bad thing will happen next. I’m afraid of any possible change. In my 29 years, I have experienced much trauma, some which continues to haunt my dreams. I’m also not foolish enough to think something else won’t happen to me the rest of my time on earth. But I am foolish enough to not enjoy the peaceful, restful time He is giving now.

My fears stem from not trusting God, not believing the Lord will protect me. I know I should. I pray that He will teach me how. As I share my fears with those around me, I’m confronted with love - His love for me spoken through their mouths. As I press into the word, I am constantly reminded of His promises and His love for me. He gives of Himself to strengthen my faith.

About a month ago, a handful of my closest friends came to my apartment to pray and sing His goodness over me. I was exposed and vulnerable, but felt covered and deeply loved by them. It was beautiful. When they left, I opened up Marcus’s bible to a bookmarked spot, Isaiah 43:

“But now thus says the Lord

He who created you, O Jacob,

He who formed you, O Israel,

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

When you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

And the flame shall not consume you.”

He tells me I was created and formed by Him, that He redeemed me, I am His. He promises He will be with me, the waters will not overwhelm, the fire shall not burn or consume me. 

Memory by memory and fear by fear are examined through the lense of His promises. In the process I am not condemned for my disbelief, but comforted and offered healing for my wounds. Through my weakness He shows His glory. What a mighty God we serve.