Into the Unknown

Today is fall. Which means cool nights with windows open. Sweaters. Warm cups of coffee to begin the morning. Great hair days. Pumpkin flavored everything. Leaves changing.

For me it also means the return of an ache. The ache that comes and goes throughout the year, but is regularly present once the weather turns cool. This October will be four years since Marcus's death. The ache sits in the pit of my stomach causing me to move a little slower, spend a little more time alone, get out of bed a little later in the morning. I find tears coming to my eyes easily. I constantly want to be hugged. I listen to sappy music - I even have a playlist entitled "press play to cry". I know I'm a barrel of fun. 

This fall the ache has a new similar but very different partner. The ache of longing for my child. Wherever, whoever they are I greatly long for them to be safe and loved in my arms. I cannot wait until they are no longer an orphan. 

There is a pull of not wanting time to pass since the last time I held Marcus, but wanting time to pass quickly before I hold my child for the first time. Marcus and I were married for 4 years, 4 months and 12 days. A long time ago I figured out that on a day in March 2015, he will have been gone longer than we were married. My heart breaks at this truth because I will have been his widow longer than I was his wife. I don't want this to be true. At the same time, 2015 is likely the year I will meet my child. What wonder and joy!

As you can see the ache is very complex and full. 

To add to all that, the Lord has answered a long desired prayer. I have joined a church plant, Renaissance, in Harlem, my home. I will be part of a community committed to seeing the gospel flourish in all that call Harlem their home while actively pursuing diversity and reconciliation. This exciting news means leaving Apostles, my church home for seven years. Apostles raised me. It was the first church Marcus and I joined as a married couple. It cared for my every need while I grieved the loss of my husband. They have given me many platforms to share the story of what the Lord has done in my life. The elders invested much in me, teaching me how to lead and serve my church and city. Many of the members are like my family. Again, there is a tension between the sadness of leaving and the excitement of what the Lord is going to do in Harlem. 

During this time of change, there is a lot of unknown. I have found much comfort in Psalm 139:

"...in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed

for me, when as yet there was none of them"

I do not know what is going to happen, but He knows my days, the days of my child, and the days of the church. He is teaching me to be faithful and present in the unknown. I am confident that even in the unknown, I do know He will be there. 

"If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me"