a milestone

After Marcus's death, I read A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Each chapter in the short book represents a moleskine journal in which he scribbled his overwhelming feelings and thoughts after the death of his wife. He and his wife "H." were like Marcus and I, married only for four years. After four years, she died due to a long battle with cancer. In the months and years after Marcus's death, I read this book over and over. My copy is worn and underlined with scribbles in the margins, different pens for different points in my grief. His words became my companion. They allowed me to realize I was not alone in my questions and doubts. If someone as intelligent as C.S. Lewis had these thoughts I must not be crazy, right? 

I read it again this week. Underlining different parts that speak to where I am now along the path of grief. One paragraph speaking of marriage stood out: 

"And then one or other dies. And we think of this as love cut short; like a dance stopped in mid-career or a flower with its head unluckily snapped off - something truncated and therefore lacking its due shape. I wonder ...(if) bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. It is not a truncation of the process but one of its phases; not the interruption of the dance, but the next figure. "

This week marks a milestone. This week I will have been Marcus's widow longer than I was his wife. I have been dancing the next figure alone longer than we were married. The growth I have experienced in this season has taken me further away from him than I ever imagined was possible. I honestly did not think I would survive this long. I never thought I could do the things I am doing without him - live in NYC, have a new career, be a part of a community that never knew him, adopt a child!! At the same time, what I have learned since his passing - about myself, about God, about love, about suffering, about grace - has allowed me to become even more of the woman he loved, what he as my husband desired for me all along. In many ways this season has been a continuation of our marriage. By God's grace in our marriage, how Marcus loved and cared for me allowed me to do life without him.

Like C.S. Lewis, I spent much of my time writing in moleskine journals after Marcus passed. So much was swirling around in my head - it was easier to get it out on paper. The journals document my learning how to dance the next phase alone. From the beginning where I was just a wreckage lying on the dance floor, to where my friends barely lifted my head off the floor, to now, where I am painfully dancing on crutches. Over the next several posts I would like to share some of the things from those journals. As we reflect on what will be five years, we will see how much the Lord has done. While we look back my prayer is that my words would be a companion to some of you. It's always nice to know we are not the only crazy one.