in the clouds

I first saw a picture of my little boy in September 2014. His smile that glows, his beautiful big eyes that shine. My heart soared with love. Imagine your heart is a rocket that has fired off into the sky to hang out in the clouds, basking in the warmth of the sun and the lightness of the air. If you can go there with me, that's how my heart felt. I know the exact curve of the road in Central Park where I told my best friend, I think he is it. I think this is my son. It felt meant to be, it felt firm. The image of him has been growing and evolving in my heart for 41 weeks now. 

As I have mentioned briefly before, as with most adoptions, there were delays and times of no news where I thought it's not going to happen, he's not mine. After no communication for three months, a week before Christmas, I received THE CALL. THE CALL to say I was chosen to be his mama. 

After months of not hearing anything it was difficult to let my heart rocket off into the clouds again, waiting does that. In the waiting I am tempted to believe it's probably not really going to happen. How could something so amazing actually happen? 

So much waiting. Waiting for paperwork. Waiting for a referral. Waiting for a court date. Waiting for a travel date. Waiting to purchase tickets. Waiting to travel. Waiting is hard. But in the waiting I learn how faithful God is to me. In my doubts, He never wavers. He knows exactly what is happening and will happen. It's been taken care of already. 

Two weeks ago I received the schedule for meeting my son. July 15th. JULY 15th!! What a glorious day that will be. 

When I received the go ahead, I bought my plane tickets while holding my breath. After I hit submit, the heart rocketing into the clouds happened again and the tears started pouring. It was real. The realest it has been up to this point. 

I mean, listen, the heart can't stay in the clouds, a girl has to go to work and do laundry, etc. But when I sit in my home, take long walks in the park, and for a second fully take in the flipping amazing beautiful thing that is happening right now, the heart soars. The tears come and this crazy laugh cry thing starts happening. Ugly cry sobs in between laughter. My neighbors probably think the woman in 4J is losing it. I am losing it. I am so amazed by our God and his wondrous, flipping amazing gifts I lose it.  

It is hard to have your heart in the clouds and do normal life. So when you come over and my recycling takes over half my living room (OK, it always has done that) or I forget to return a text or I forget the BMT survivor group I co-lead is next week. Or I send out an invite to my own adoption party before I ask my friends if they'll plan it. Or I spend a whole blog post writing about hearts rocketing into clouds. Imagine I am 41 weeks pregnant and give a girl a break. I have 3 weeks to go. 

And just like that, my heart rockets into the clouds again.