My dear and precious Marcus,

This week marks nine years since we made our vows in front of our friends and family. O how young and innocent we were.

The days before the wedding and the day itself did not look like what we had imagined. Sweet 21 year old Adrienne had her first run in with alcohol, requiring 1:1 care. I required so much care that you missed hanging out with your guys. Why you still wanted to marry the girl who vomited in the parking lot of David's Bridal, I'll never understand. My wedding dress was torn requiring a last minute replacement. I missed half the rehearsal dinner, including speeches. Grandma Ewing was 30 minutes late delaying the whole thing. The rain poured outside, but it was a beautiful day inside.

The best day of my life, up to this point.

In the same way, our marriage did not go the way we imagined. It was not all cotton candy and rainbows. It was hard. Moving to NYC was hard. Grad school was hard. Though nothing compared to losing you. We thought we had forever, but our forever was just four years. What love and adventures filled those four years. What learning and growing and fights filled those four years.

Often I have wondered how I would have lived differently if I knew we only had four years. How would I have loved you if our time was not taken for granted?

I would have made sure every day you knew you were loved, cherished and all I wanted in this world. There would have been more intimacy and less TV. I would have made you a priority, there were days and weeks that I was going through the motions. I let work and school and life overwhelm, telling myself and you that it was just until school ended. For that I am sorry.

I would have always spoken lovingly of you to others. I am sorry that I ever put you down in front of others, even just for a laugh. I would have been less practical. I was married to a dreamer that I didn't let dream. I always pointed out the ways something wouldn't work. I would have trusted that you would eventually do what was right and if it failed, so what? Though I was right about that damn bike...c'est la vie.

Despite all the things above, our marriage was filled with so much love. The cotton candy and rainbows PLUS unicorns, shooting stars and ice cream, chocolate ice cream. Marriage is such a crazy special gift from God that is a temporary, imperfect reflection of how the Lord loves us. How crazy and ridiculous is it for two imperfect people to sign up to do life together day in and day out for the rest of their lives? Simply because they think the other is amazing, hilarious, and of course, hot.

You and I were continually refined and perfected through marriage. You taught me how to love and serve others. You taught me how to be independent even when I was so dependent on you. You taught me how to love a man. You taught me that I didn't need a plan, to be spontaneous. You taught me how to have fun, how to laugh again. You taught me that I could be loved fully and unconditionally. You taught me how to be angry but loving at the same time. I taught you how to love yourself. I taught you to believe you were enough and had a voice that deserved to be heard.

Together we felt invincible.

Because of the things I learned from you, combined with what I have learned about God and myself after losing you, I am able to commit my life to another boy.

I am going to be a little boy's mama.

I wish you were here. Every day I wish you were here. This may not be what I imagined, but it is so freaking beautiful I can barely handle it.

Happy anniversary my love.