ten.

This morning I woke up in a room I use to share with Marcus, that I now share with a five year old boy. A five year old who woke me up this morning by saying "Come on, Mama! It's morning" - not sweetly, but with exasperation. Said boy needed to get ready and off to school - waffles with syrup - no, you can't wear bunny ears to school - shoes, socks - Lion King Circle of Life. You know your average morning. 

Ten years ago I was waking up in my Granny's house - still getting over a hangover from two nights prior - filled with people I loved. Ready to greet the day when my dream would finally come true. I was to be Marcus Ewing's wife. 

It's hard to explain without sounding like a crazy teenager, but I always knew I was going to marry Marcus. It's probably one of the factors of why it took us so long to start dating, I came on a little strong. I still have a letter - dated June 10th, 2002 - I was 17, he was 19. Where I confessed my love to him, a love that had been brewing for years already. The letter was so ridiculous - with a reference to the Matrix trilogy (SMH) - and so beyond my years. I knew he was it.

For those of you that knew us as teenagers, know how ludicrous this was. Based on teenage standards of dateability - I was a smart hot blonde, Marcus was overweight with braces and a FRO in remedial classes. Thank the Lord, I didn't see any of that. I was head over heels in love with him - with his love for people, his passions, his humor, his adventurous spirit. But I could not get him to date me. As I dated other people in high school, and we'd have silly teenager fights - I would think, it doesn't matter, I'm going to marry Marcus any way. I knew he was it. 

After I told him such in this six page letter (ugh), he tells me he thinks he has a girlfriend, and that was the end of that. This guy was so bad at girl stuff, he didn't even know if he had a girlfriend, but man, did I still want him. 

After a lot of drawn out drama - does he? does she? - six months later we started dating. I eventually told him "Pee or get off the pot" - no lies - to which he eventually said I think we should be more than friends. We went on our first date and the rest is history. Game, set, match.

4 years after the letter, on June 10th, 2006, we were married in the company of our friends and family. Obviously, the letter was the game changer. 

I spent the first eight years of my adult life loved, and loved well. It was full. I experienced the immense gift of being loved, how it feels like you're being hugged even when they're not there. Like walking on air, warm and fuzzy all over. Knowing someone has agreed to get your back forever. Even today I can feel that love. For this gift I am forever grateful. 

I also spent the first eight years of my adult life (and some teenager years) knowing what was going to happen - I knew I was going to be Marcus Ewing's wife. Everything else was just details. Everything else would be fine because that would remain true. You can imagine the devastation when my truth turned out to be a lie. I had put my truth, my identity, into something that couldn't stand the test of time, by no fault of our own.

These past five, almost six years, have been redefining that truth and placing it in the only person that can stand the test of time. I didn't know what was going to happen after Marcus's passing. I didn't know my ten year wedding anniversary would include a cute little boy from South Africa and no husband. I don't know what's going to happen next.

But after knowing I'm a daughter of the King, the rest is details.