new york city
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nine years ago i arrived in New York City a naive, scared, twenty-two year old, so in love with my husband. though scared i felt unstoppable with him at my side. we were following our dreams. how limited our dreams were. limited by what we could see as possible and limited by reality.
turns out, i had good reason to be scared because the city would crush the naivete from my bones and leave me face down lying in pain. my love died in its streets, our dreams along with him. the city has taken much from me. for many seasons the loneliness of this city and its unforgiving nature felt like too much to bear. its vastness suffocating. many times i wanted to give up.
though it has taken much, it has given much as well. the twenty-two year old didn't know what pain she would experience in the years to come. but she also didn't know what grace would fill her life. grace upon grace upon grace. she didn't know how every need would be cared for through unexpected ways. that in her darkest times, many would surround her pouring light into her life. she didn't know what adventure and joy was in store. the dreams imagined as a twenty-two year old were blown out of the water.
she didn't know what strength lie within her.
though once crushed, i now stand brave and strong and whole. though i once felt alone in the world, i am now surrounded by the love of community. my heart, that was once shattered into a million pieces, beats strong and loud in my chest. it now threatens to burst from all the love and joy. my arms, that were once too weak to lift my head off of the floor, now carry my son, my beautiful son. my hands, that once felt aimless, have found their purpose in making PB&Js and wiping away tears. my home that was once so empty, is bursting at the seams with life and with toys.
so happy anniversary New York City. i am proud of the scars you have given me these nine years, they remind me of where i've been and where i can go. i've made it.
and remember if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
