best day of my life

Six months ago, I sat in a South African court. Georgie sat in my lap as I told a judge I wanted to be his mama forever. Umprompted, Georgie held the pen with me as I signed the papers. In an instant it was official, done. Before that day, Georgie had been without a mother for 4 days shy of five years. For about a month, he had known this woman in a picture would become his mother. Since I can remember I had wanted to be a mother. For two years I knew I would do that through adoption. For nine months I knew the face of the child who would make me a mama. For 10 days, we were together, he was in my arms, in my care. Since that day six months ago, he has officially been my son and I have officially been his mama.

All this time - before and after - we have been becoming a family. He a son, me a mama. 

In that court room, it was done, it was completed. But we're still working it out. I imagine our entire lives, we'll be working it out. I have been falling in love with him, while he has been falling in love with me. I love looking at pictures from the first two weeks we were together, where you can see glimpses in our eyes of the love coming out, overflowing. That shine, that glow. All the adoption books call it bonding - but that word does not do justice to the beauty of what is happening.

The process of bonding, of falling in love - it is exhilarating, full of joy. I get to watch a boy who never had a mama discover - she may be telling the truth about being my mama forever. She's mine, all mine. I read somewhere to remember all adoption happens because of loss - a loss of a birth mother/father, loss of expected route of bearing children. From this place of loss, the process of bonding, of falling in love, is healing. There are times when I hold him and tell him how much I love him, or how wonderful he is, or how happy I am that he is mine - where it fills something deep within him. He becomes like a happy baby in my arms, gooing and gaaing at me. Other times when words of love are spoken over him he will giggle and squirm like I'm tickling his insides. Oh my heart. 

This process of bonding, of falling in love, is humbling as well, because I do fail. Man, do I fail. I have been selfish, angry, anxious, scared. I have been stretched to the point of breaking. Who knew the cutest little boy in the world could drive you to madness? I have second guessed everything which leads to anxiety and worry. Every time, the Lord brings me back to his grace, to his forgiveness. Every time. He has put me and Georgie together, he has made us a family. My failings cannot ruin what he has created. 

These past six months have been exhausting, trying, difficult. I have grown in ways I hadn't realized I needed to grow. My patience, in particular, has grown exponentially. Thank you Jesus. I'm learning to submit my wants and desires to the needs of my child. I am learning to control my anger. I am learning dependence on my Father for all these things - I can not conjure them up myself. I'm learning to love even when that love is being rejected. I'm learning to love, tangibly, how Jesus loves us. 

I wondered aloud to friend before I met Georgie, I hope he likes music. My goodness, does he love music. His favorite songs are - Shut Up and Dance (which he often requests as a bedtime lullaby) and Best Day of My Life. I'll often ask Georgie, what was mama's best day of her life? He'll point to himself while smiling shyly. You are right, my son, oh so right.