october twenty second
/October 22, 2010 was a beautiful October day, much like today, but colder. Marcus was still sleeping when I left for work. He was wrapped in our green blanket, his mouth and feet the only parts visible. I bent down to kiss him goodbye and said I love you. He grunted something unintelligible back. As I left I giggled at his hobbit-like feet sticking out. This was my last time to see him on this earth.
I was working at the hospital when the security came to get me. I made a joke that now my boss must need security to talk to me. That’s when they said the police were there to speak to me, Marcus had been in an accident. I had no idea what was awaiting me at the end of the elevator ride. I thought maybe he was in our ER, he had broken a leg. I was thinking of what I was going to yell at him so he'd never ride that bike again. But like Joan Didion says in The Year of Magical Thinking – Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
You walk into in a room and your love is gone.
I believed my life was ruined. I felt like I was living a nightmare. When I think back to that day and that time, I get sick to my stomach. I reread journals from that time and am reminded of the hopelessness, the pain, the suffering I experienced. Grief is debilitating, it's physically painful.
As I look back, I am reminded of how much love surrounded me. I couldn't see it at the time. A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty (Joan Didion). Despite the loneliness I felt, I was never alone. Even when I thought I was alone - in the shower - they were outside the door listening to me cry. My every need was cared for - I didn't even brush my own hair. I have never felt more loved. Over time I pray those memories of love during that time overtake the memories of pain.
I grieve Marcus but it's different now. Grief moves and changes over time. I'm figuring out how to bring it into this phase of life.
Very recently I walked into a very different room on the other side of the world and and my life as I knew it ended. I met my son. The darkness of that time five years ago causes the brightness of today to be brighter, the joy to be more full, and the love to be even sweeter.
Thank you God.