I am a mama.
/I have a son. I am a mama.
I have a son. I am a mama.
At times I feel I need to write sentences, like when I was in third grade and kept forgetting my homework, for these truths to sink in.
It's been almost three months since my little guy came "home" with me (begun staying with me in South Africa). Three months of making sure someone else is alive, fed, clothed. Three months of fielding random and yet sometimes very deep questions 12 hours a day. Three months of being woken up by the widest, brightest smile every day followed by - wakey, wakey mama. Three months of reminding him and myself, I am your mama, I am your mama forever.
I believe to understand where we are now, I have to look back. I cannot appreciate all of what has happened in these three months between us without remembering what the first days were like.
When I first met Georgie - we were in a room full of women - teacher, social workers, house mom and Molly. He was so shy - he didn't say many words that first day - his big beautiful brown eyes would just stare at me. Trying to take in how this woman he had seen in pictures and a video was in front of him and was his mama. I chased him around while he played outside for hours. It was one of those moments in life, where you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Those hours came to an end and he had to go home with someone else. He gave me my first hug goodbye and then another hug in the driveway. In the driveway he wouldn't let go - no tears or words - just holding tightly. I didn't want to go either. Once back in my rental car - my heart felt empty, like I was forgetting something - that's when my tears came.
The next day the social workers thought the bonding was going well enough to go home with me. Georgie said goodbye to his house mom and excitedly ran to my car with nothing but the clothes on his back. At every stop light (robot) I would look back at him and he would smile. He continued to smile, but progressively his big beautiful eyes started to fill with tears. I told him it's OK to be sad at which point he burst into sobbing tears. I felt at a loss for what to do except I needed to hold him immediately. We pulled into a gas station and I sat in the back seat holding him. He kept repeating I want to go home while I softly reminded him and myself that he was going home with me, forever and how much I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was sad and scared.
It is hard to comfort your child while they long for another mother. I felt hopeless, helpless, incapable, like I had done something wrong. If Molly hadn't been in the car with us, we may still be at that gas station.
It was not pretty, but it was the perfect beginning to our life together. I didn't know what to do and he didn't want to be there. But God knew those things wouldn't be true for long - he would provide me with what to do and say as well as love and patience beyond understanding. He would provide Georgie with a love for his mama. Thirty minutes later he stopped crying and agreed to get back into his car seat. He refused to eat lunch until we made funny faces with our bacon. I haven't stopped laughing since and he hasn't stopped eating bacon.
Earlier this week George asked me - do you remember when I cried in your gray car? I said - Yes. Do you remember why you cried? Were you sad or scared? It was scary because you didn't know me, whether I was nice or mean or would take good care of you. He said - Yes. I didn't know you. I'm not sad anymore. I'm happy you're my mama.
There are moments when he is sad and doesn't know why, when I have to remind him I am his mama forever, or home is with me. I'll remind him it's OK to be happy about mama and still miss your family in South Africa. There were many nights in country and a few since returning home, spent holding him while he cried. I am thankful the times between moments and nights is becoming longer and longer. I'm grateful I have a long time to remind him and myself of these truths.
I have a son. I am a mama.
I have a son. I am a mama.
