ABIDE
/For the past few years I have picked one word in January to focus on for the entire year. It has been a helpful practice in reflecting on the previous year and seeing how I want to grow in the upcoming year. Last year I had picked “intentional”, well, it became “HOLD ON” with the sudden adoption of Lesego. This year God has me focusing on him and the beautiful children he has blessed me with, creating our home. I choose ABIDE. A few weeks ago I had the honoring of sharing my ONE WORD for 2019 with my local church family.
Typical day my life is GO GO GO. Wake up, get dressed, get kids dressed, fed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, lunches, coats, backpacks, carpool line, work, dinner, play, bedtime lists, books, rocking, holding, sleep. Peace, but then…there’s always something to do, work, clean, cook, catch up on email. Those are the basics of my day. Usually there are also tears, tantrums, fears to comfort, sadness, anxieties to lessen, anger to calm, over the top energy to dissipate. The hard work of parenting in between the stuff that has to get done. Then interwoven and among that there is bonding to cultivate and grow with two children that spent 5 and 6 years without me, without a family. It’s a lot. Everyday there are many ways to fail. Since Lesego came home, most days (though it’s lessening) feel like a failure. I handled that fight wrong, we got to school on time, but they barely ate breakfast. I blew up at a small thing. Her hair, O Lord, her hair. I didn’t review his spelling words with him, I didn’t do any exercises with her. It goes on and on. These failures pile up and weigh me down. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. I’m missing the joy of my life, the gift of these children. Jesus tell us, he tells me…
(John 15) Abide in me and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit apart from me, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. V7, If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love…V11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy be in you and that your joy may be full.
He tells me, you can’t do this. You can’t do this alone. I’m not telling you this because I also think you are a failure, I’m telling you this because I love you and I want you to have my joy, and your joy to be full. In me, you can do this.
How do I, we, abide? I was surprised when I was picking this word, that abiding is active not passive. I had this picture of being covered, safe, warm. Like a home. But a home requires care, which I am just learning being a home owner for a year now. Other ways to define abide – to cling to, to stand by, to live with. How do we cling to his love for us? We remember our salvation. We remember the sacrifice on the cross. We remember it in reading his word. We remember it in prayer. We remind each other in our relationships.
Personally for me – it also looks like slowing down. I have a few moments after the kids leave for school before I have to leave for work. Where I can journal, pray, read. I look forward to it every day. I feel a stillness in my heart that I don’t feel often. During this time I am reminded of his work on the cross and His promises. Just this morning I read Psalm 113. Verse 9. “He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children”. The fact that I read that this morning before I talk to you all about not having joy in my mothering – that’s crazy, it’s a gift, a glimpse into how we cares for me. It’s builds my faith. It brings me joy. I will fail. Always. But He never fails and His love never fails. I am forgiven. He will work all things for our good. If I could be perfect my children and I would not need Jesus. He brings us to him so that our joy may be full. Throughout this year of abiding, I want more than those moments after school drop off. I want his love, his words to saturate my life and my relationships. I want to abide in Him.
After my sharing the above, I was flooded with encouragement from those around me. We also had some huge breakthroughs in our family. God is reminding me of the growth that is going on in all of us but I have hard time seeing in the day to day chaos. But more on that later. Another way I abide is writing here. I plan to do more of that this year. To share our struggles, our praises - brings me back to Him and the immense grace He is pouring into our life. Thanks for reading.
