singing in darkness
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This picture was taken the first day I met my daughter.
This pictures reminds me of God’s faithfulness despite my lack of faith. The feeling of hopelessness I felt when I became her mother. I believed I couldn’t do it. That everything would be difficult from here on out. I lost 25 lbs that summer, the only other time in my life where I lost weight due to stress was when Marcus died. That was the level of anguish and anxiety I felt.
Some times I wonder if those feelings overcame me so that I would have a glimmer of the stress she or George went through. What anxiety must have been in them, entering into a family with a strange white woman. Whatever the reason, it taught me how weak I am, how easily I give in to feelings of hopelessness.
The pictures reminds me of her strength. She allowing me to hold her, sing to her - she grasping my hand.
We have an amaryllis this season, that not only did I not water, but got knocked over, never took root, AND still bloomed beautifully. Not one, but THREE flowers. This is my daughter Lesego. It is not my story to share, but because of a multitude of injustices this little baby found herself at age 3 the size of an infant and unable to walk, placed in an orphanage. She survived and thrived in an place with minimal resources. She grew and learned to walk without interventions. One of the workers would take her home on the weekends because she thought she would die otherwise. They said she would be awake in the middle of the night singing. In a room full of 14 orphan girls my daughter would sing in the darkness of night. This is my daughter.
She smiles in the face of trials.
She giggles at labels.
She sucks her teeth at diagnoses.
She dances at ridicule from others.
She rolls her eyes at disabilities.
She sings her way through darkness.
She is a light.
She loves so well and there is no earthly reason. She tells me every day I am the best mom in the world. I am not. I fail this beauty often. This pictures reminds me what an honor it is to be hers, to delight in her. To learn from her how to sing in the darkness. How to hold on to hope when it hurts, when it doesn’t make sense. When there are no earthly reasons to keep going. Lord, thank you for Lesego Grace.
